Over the past decade, countless resources have been published that have helped numerous men and women find freedom from enslavement to sexual sin and pornography. The Church’s eyes have been opened, and the average Christian is much better equipped to understand the dangers of pornography, the many entry points of illicit content, and the deeper heart desires that often fuel sexual addiction than they were in the past.
Despite these recent advances, a common scenario still confronts pastors and counselors in their efforts to help counselees struggling with sexual sin. Even after spending weeks reflecting upon the idols of the heart or seeking to replace a mind filled with immoral images with a vision of finding satisfaction in God, many Christians still feel stuck. The patterns of temptation do not break. Meetings always begin with the seemingly inevitable, “I messed up again.” Counselors, having exhausted the various passages that address sexual sin directly, offer comfort and encouragement while thinking to themselves, “Are we ever going to make progress?”
For counselors and pastors who have found themselves in this situation, this article will outline three specific action steps that can help counselees in their fight against pornography (or any other sin or temptation, for that matter): (1) grow in spiritual strength, (2) minimize temptations, and (3) prepare to fight.
Action #1: Grow in Spiritual Strength
In John’s Gospel, Jesus makes a comment that applies to every ounce of growth and change discernible in the Christian life: “Apart from me you can do nothing,” (John 15:5). This verse is the logical conclusion to various theological truths—the reality of man’s sinful nature and total depravity, the eternal life and salvation found in the incarnate Son of God, and the spiritual union that Christians share with Christ through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. All these theological realities lead to an important conclusion: apart from union with Christ, due to our sin, we are unable to accomplish any lasting and spiritually good works, including overcoming temptation. That is why Jesus commands his disciples to abide in him so that they may bear spiritual fruit in their lives (John 15:1-5).
Christians are also commanded to abide—to pursue this deeper, growing communion—with Christ. As D. A. Carson comments, “The imagery of the vine is stretched a little when the ‘branches’ are given the responsibility to remain in the vine, but the point is clear: continuous dependence on the vine, constant reliance upon him, persistent spiritual imbibing of his life – this is the sine qua non of spiritual fruitfulness.”1 Within the immediate context, “abiding in Christ” is associated with keeping Jesus’s commandments (John 5:8), but it could also be extended through other passages of Scripture to activities that allow Christians to have fellowship with Christ, such as Bible reading, prayer, and meditating upon the Gospel (see Luke 10:42; 1 John 1:1-4).
John 15 reminds counselees that their primary calling is not to focus all their energy on fighting against sin, but to pursue deeper intimacy with Christ to gain the spiritual strength necessary for the battles that lie before them. This insight can reveal the folly of many Christians who enter the ring to battle sin with atrophic spiritual muscles. Counselor, before talking to your counselee about internet filters and identifying points of temptation, ensure your counselee has a spiritual training regimen of regular Bible reading and prayer in addition to the other means of grace that God has established for their growth in godliness. If Christians are unable to win the fight to grab their Bibles in the morning, should we expect them to be victorious in their conflicts against sin?
Action #2: Minimize Temptations
This action is based upon an unfortunate reality of life within contemporary society. Having become conditioned to swim in the waters of our post-sexual revolution culture, many Christians—young adults, in particular—have become calloused to the countless moments throughout the day in which everything from YouTube shorts to Spotify to the latest Netflix show presents a continual stream of opportunities to encounter titillating and provocative images. Many Christians succumb to temptation not through outlandish propositions for sexual encounters, but through a “death-by-a-thousand-papercuts” journey throughout the day in which their spiritual sensitivities to modesty and purity are eventually dulled. To make matters worse, the pornography that most young people encounter today—or, more accurately stated, is fed to them through social media algorithms—is not your grandfather’s pin-ups and Playboy magazines, but “simulated incest, bestiality, extreme bondage, sex with unconscious women, gangbangs, sadomasochism, and unthinkable physical violence. The porn children view today makes Playboy look like an American Girl doll catalog.”2
Conversations with young people struggling with pornography may reveal that you and your counselee have drastically different perspectives concerning what “staying away from pornography” looks like in practice. The biblical standard for Christians is set in Ephesians 5:3, “sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.” Our Reformed heritage understood this principle, as Westminster Larger Catechism’s reflections upon the sins forbidden in the seventh commandment (Q. 139) include “lascivious songs, books, pictures, dancing, stage plays; and all other provocations to, or acts of uncleanness, either in ourselves or others.” Counselees may need convincing that the battle lines for sexual sin must be drawn not merely at overtly sexual acts, but at any opportunity that may provoke and stir lust within the sinful heart and draw one into temptation (Jas 1:14-15).
Suppose a Christian who is struggling with pornography encounters images regularly through a specific outlet (a website, a phone app, an iPad/phone). Does that outlet need to be cut out? This approach may sound drastic, but few would take seriously a man trying to quit drugs while knowing that he is likely to have a close encounter with a seller in his regular routine. We would scoff at a woman who claimed she was trying to stop abusing alcohol while keeping a bottle of wine in her fridge. Can Christians honestly expect progress when they walk around with a digital doorway into temptation in their pockets? Without minimizing opportunities for temptation, growth will be all but unachievable.
Action #3: Prepare to Fight
The biggest obstacle to overcoming pornography is the most obvious. At some point, the counselee must stop. Christians must begin to make progress and build momentum so that days with victory over temptation become weeks, weeks become months, and months become years. Without progress, counseling this issue can feel like running on a treadmill, a lot of energy spent without any forward movement.
While many readers may roll their eyes at the seemingly obvious nature of the previous paragraph, this idea can struggle to translate into a practical game plan and sense of urgency for the battle that lies between sessions. As meetings approach the final ten to fifteen minutes, the conversation should shift towards the question, “What practical steps are we going to take this week?” Especially in the early periods of intensive focus on breaking patterns and habits that have been ingrained for years, or even decades, counselees must have the sober awareness that they will encounter these strong desires again, and they must be ready to fight—to push through temptation and persevere when confronted with their own sinfully habituated sexual desires.
The language of “fighting” against temptation is not a mere analogy. The author of Hebrews refers to the battle against sin as a “struggle” (Heb 12:3). According to the Apostle Peter, Christians are called to “abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul” (1 Pet 2:10). In other words, spiritual realities are at stake. Our sinful flesh is in conflict with the Spirit (Gal 5:17) and is hostile to God (Rom 8:7). Christians are called to “put to death” their sinful flesh (Rom 8:13). Christ has laid the fatal blow to our sinful nature (Rom 6:5-6), and we grow in godliness through putting “to death” our sinful flesh (Rom 8:13) and walking with the Spirit in new life (Rom 8:11; Gal 5:16). Therefore, every counselee pursuing help for this issue must be ready to fight—to see that approaching moment of temptation and struggle as another opportunity to respond to the call put their sin to death and to present their bodies to God “as instruments for righteousness” (Rom 6:13).
Only through persevering through those moments of struggle with the Spirit’s help will counselees find lasting victory over this sin so that successful moments turn into successful days, weeks, months, and years. Therefore, pastors and counselors may need to have a “tough love” conversation with their counselees: “A time will come this week when you will confront this temptation again. When do you think the greatest chance of this happening will be? When it happens, what are you going to do? Who are you going to call? How will you get yourself out of that situation? If nothing works, are you ready to fight and push through that moment of temptation?”
Through the work of Christ, everything has been accomplished for counselees to have victory over pornography. Pastors and counselors can help Christians ensnared in this sin to make tangible strides by challenging their counselees to grow in spiritual strength, minimize temptations, and prepare them to fight.
