What comes to mind when you hear the term “counselor”? Chances are, your first thought is not a picture of a mother. Counseling as a mother doesn’t look like a quiet room or a therapy couch. It doesn’t look like an hour–long, weekly session. Rather, it manifests as an honest conversation with an emotional preteen at bedtime, a recurring disciplinary situation with a 4-year-old, or a seemingly insignificant chat at the kitchen counter while cooking dinner. At first glance, these moments may seem inconsequential, even mundane, but do not be deceived—these snippets are shaping the very hearts and minds of our children. These ordinary exchanges are sovereignly ordained appointments of counsel for the next generation. As mothers engage in the task of “mothering”, day in and day out, they are doing nothing less than biblical counseling. This truth is crucial for parents to understand, as well as the church. Pastors must equip the women in their congregations to do the work of counseling.
The task of parenting is monumental. Well do I remember when our firstborn made her entrance into the world. After 36 hours of induced labor, this tiny, five-and-a-half-pound human completely changed our lives, thrusting my husband and me instantly into a new world. As we prepared to leave the hospital, we were overwhelmed by the hospital discharge information, everything from feeding schedules to sleeping positions, diaper numbers, and car seat safety. The path ahead was daunting. Many new parents rightly feel somewhat inadequate for this monumental responsibility set before them.
Looking at Scripture, however, new parents are given a commission far more significant than any nurse’s discharge instructions could be. Not only must Christian parents fulfill the duty of physically caring for their children, but they are also commanded by God to teach them the Word of God and to disciple them in the faith (Deuteronomy 6:6-7, Proverbs 22:6, Ephesians 6:4).
The Great Command to Parents
The duty of discipling and counseling our children is not a new command. In Deuteronomy 6, God gives to the parents of Israel a defining mission that accompanies the heart of the Christian faith concerning the nature of God and the greatest commandment:
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. – Deuteronomy 6:4-7
Not only were the people of God commanded to believe the truth of God and to love God with an all-encompassing love, but they were additionally commanded to teach these things diligently to their children. As we consider how we are called to teach our children to love God with all their heart, soul, and might, is this charge not the heart of biblical counseling? Biblical counselors aim to help counselees discern God’s will by studying God’s Word and applying its counsel to all of life. This goal is identical to that of the Christian parent. We are called to walk through life with our children, helping them understand and apply God’s truth to every aspect of their lives throughout the seasons of childhood, from toddler years to young adulthood.
Using Moses’s instructions in Deuteronomy 6 as a guide, we can glean helpful truths for obeying this command in practice and see parallels between biblical parenting and biblical counseling. Deuteronomy 6:7 commands us to teach our children in a variety of situations: when we sit in our house, when we walk by the way, when we lie down, and when we rise.
When we sit in our house
If you look around your house, you will likely notice an abundance of seats. Our homes are full of seating arrangements—couches, recliners, dining chairs, stools, and more. But you will rarely find a seat by itself in a house. Most of the time, we place seats in conjunction with others. Why is this the case? When we sit at home, we often do so with others in the family. We may gather together at the dinner table, snuggle up on the couch, or sit around the coffee table for a board game.
We have many opportunities to do this “sitting in our house” with our children, but the question is, are we utilizing these moments to diligently teach them God’s Word? At times, this ought to look like a formal study of the Scriptures as a family. It can be difficult to practice family worship with consistency if you do not make a specific plan for how, when, and where. If you are struggling to make family worship a consistent part of your family’s routine, an excellent idea to use is habit stacking, popularized by James Clear in his book Atomic Habits.1 Tie your practice of family Bible study to another activity that you know you will do daily, without fail, such as eating dinner. If dinner time does not make the most sense for your family, perhaps it would be better to tie it with breakfast, bedtime routines, or another immovable block in your family’s daily schedule.
I do not believe, however, that the command to “talk of them when you sit in your house” means that every time we sit on the couch, we must pull out the Bible for a family Bible study. If you have ever watched a three-year-old struggle to sit through a church service, you know that it is unrealistic to be constantly preaching sermons to our young children. Rather, much of this “talking of them” will happen organically through conversation. Therefore, we must open our eyes to the opportunities before us to bring God’s truth into the lives of our children. Mama, as you engage in conversation with your children, are you looking for ways to point them to their Savior? As they share their struggles with you, are you offering them the hope found in the gospel? As they work through interpersonal conflict, are you teaching them about biblical peacemaking? If you are, then you are engaged in biblical counseling.
What common obstacles prevent 21st-century parents from obeying this command? As we all know, one of the greatest impediments to teaching our children diligently at home is the many distractions flashing on our (and our children’s) screens. When you sit down on the couch after a long day, what is the easiest thing to do? The allure of quiet children often prompts us to hand over the tablet, and the mindless scrolling on our own device beckons simultaneously. It is by far the easiest option, especially when we are tired. However, we must resist the siren song of endless entertainment and easy distractions, and choose meaningful over easy, eternal over transient, substance over vapor. Not to say that our families can never enjoy moments of entertainment or indulge in a bit of “veg out time”, but when this impulse becomes a normal pattern, we will miss many of these counseling opportunities. When we are quick to grab our phones, we will not notice the glimmer of sadness in our daughter’s eyes as she thinks about the way her friend hurt her feelings that day. If we had asked some probing questions, we might have been able to offer her biblical encouragement that would shape what she believes about herself and others. When we are quick to rely on television to pacify our children and avoid the incessant bickering, the opportunity to discuss with our children why it is important to share with one another out of love, because God first loved us, will pass. When our eyes are glued to our screen, our nine-year-old might decide not to ask us the question running through his mind about how we know God exists. What could have been a worldview-defining moment passes unheeded. When we truly sit together, rather than merely in the same room, we will be amazed at the conversations that emerge naturally through time spent together.
When you walk by the way
While many important conversations happen at home, there are also countless teachable moments away from home. The idea of “walk by the way” may conjure images for you of a leisurely stroll through the neighborhood, which is certainly a wonderful opportunity for connection and conversation with your children. However, when Moses spoke these words from the Lord, his audience would have heard this as a command to talk of God’s Word while going about the natural tasks of life. The Israelites were to teach their children while they walked to the market, fetched water from the well, and moved their animals to a new grazing spot. Today, we could just as easily say “When we go to the grocery store”, or “When we go to a doctor’s appointment”, or “When we drive to soccer practice”. As we go about our daily lives, as mundane and humdrum as it may seem, the Lord will give us opportunities to provide counsel and instruction to our children. This could look like a deep conversation in the car, as our teen feels free to open up more than usual as we sit side by side, or lovingly listening to and responding to all the questions about life from our young child while waiting for his older sibling’s piano lesson. It could even take the form of necessary discipline following our toddler’s disobedience in the grocery aisle. Wherever life takes us, every day is ripe with opportunities to speak God’s truth to our children as good works prepared by God for us to walk in them (Ephesians 2:10). No matter where we go, the opportunity to biblically counsel our children abounds.
When our children go into the world with us, they will encounter things that raise questions in their minds. As I have “walked by the way” with my children, we have had numerous conversations we might not have had otherwise. Allowing them to encounter the world by our side, we have the opportunity to be their guide as they process what they see in light of God’s Word. As we walk by the way, we serve as our children’s counselors, diligently teaching them His commandments, wherever we are.
When you lie down
Regardless of hectic schedules, long days, or cranky toddlers, at some point in the evening, our children will lie down to sleep (even if it is later and more difficult to accomplish than we would like!). If I am honest, by day’s end, my energy tank has been well-nigh depleted, and I have very little left for a lengthy bedtime routine for anyone. Even if this describes you, too, you can still approach the bedtime hour as a counselor, seeking to end your child’s day with God’s truth applied to their life. Perhaps your toddler’s energy tank still seems quite full—you can teach him about the limits that God puts on us as humans and our need for rest. Your preteen may need some one-on-one time to encourage her to lay all her cares on the Lord and to not be anxious about tomorrow—you can pray with her and ask the Lord to give her His perfect peace (Isaiah 26:3). If your teen is staying up later than you now, then before you lie down yourself, you can take a few moments to check in with him, encouraging the ways that he is growing into a man of faith, and helping him to consider how he can be a faithful witness to his peers.
When you rise up
Similarly, there will come a time, usually far too soon, when we must rise up again and begin a new day. The simple way we greet the day speaks volumes to our children and teaches them, whether for better or worse. Do we give in to the temptation to be grumpy when we haven’t gotten the rest we would have liked? Or do we enter the day joyfully, ready to meet the opportunities appointed for us to teach our children? Always remember that you will be unable to start your kids well on their day if you have not started your own day well. Ask yourself honestly, what do I need to do to begin my day well? If you hope to instill God’s Word in your children during the day, serving as their biblical counselor, then you must saturate yourself in these same Scriptures, allowing God to counsel your own heart so that you are ready and able to counsel theirs. You may not be in a season that allows for an hour-long quiet time in the morning—that’s okay! The Lord is gracious and kind. He will meet you in your season and provide you with your spiritual daily bread, even if it tastes like manna in the wilderness. We must, however, be willing to make it a priority and even give up something else to make time for the Word. Not everyone needs to have their personal devotional time in the morning, but never discount the blessing of beginning every day in God’s word (Psalm 5:3).
We also should never underestimate beginning our children’s day in the Word of God. Some practical strategies for teaching God’s truth to our children in the morning include playing hymns or worship music in the background, reading a few verses over breakfast, praying together at the start of the day, or singing a hymn together. Engaging our children in conversation about their plans for the day will naturally lead us into these counseling conversations where we can speak truth into their context each day. Mama, you are one of the first people your child will talk to in the day—use this opportunity to be their biblical counselor.
Conclusion
While, at first glance, the hour-long counseling session once a week may appear more focused and effective, it is clear that the role of a mother is far and away a more comprehensive, more effective, and longer-lasting counseling opportunity. Mothers, your counsel is shaping the hearts, minds, and souls of your children. Every conversation you have, every discipline you administer, every encouragement you give, is all part of the counsel that the Lord is using you to give to your children. We must conclude with these important questions: Mothers, are you ready to equip yourself to counsel your children well, according to the Scriptures? Fathers, are you ready to encourage your wife as she labors in the trenches of counseling with your children? Pastors, are you ready to provide the training and support the mothers in your congregation need in order to have the tools to counsel the next generation faithfully?
May we all do so for His glory and the good of the children entrusted to our care.
- James Clear, Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones (New York: Avery, 2018) ↩︎
