This article was previously published at the Biblical Counseling Coalition. The original post can be viewed here.
I had not thought deeply about the issue of trust until one counselee made trust the central condition for remaining committed to the marriage as well as the counseling process. Other words—such as love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness—receive much attention from biblical counselors seeking to understand biblical principles for healthy marriages. But trust? What does the Bible say about trust? And, more importantly, does God command Christians to trust their spouses?
The virtuous woman of Proverbs 31, this invaluable yet elusive wife (v. 10), presents a remarkable standard for God-fearing spouses. At the beginning of this reflection, King Lemuel presents the inevitable consequence of this proverbial wife’s unrelenting work ethic and domestic contributions: “The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain” (Prov. 31:11). This verse reveals to us that, as a result of the wife’s consistent character over time and many good works (see Prov. 31:12-31), her husband has no reason to doubt her intentions or entertain suspicion of her motives. In contemporary terms, the Proverbs 31 woman is entirely trustworthy. Paul David Tripp defines trust in this way: “Trust is being so convinced that you can rely on the integrity, strength, character, and faithfulness of another that you are willing to place yourself in his or her care.”1
With such a high standard for trust, it is easy to see why the sudden revelation of undisclosed sin can be so shattering to unsuspecting spouses. Truly, many spouses can overlook how they are failing to heed the warning of Proverbs 3:29 when they indulge in hidden sin and cultivate illicit relationships: “Do not plan evil against your neighbor, who dwells trustingly beside you.” Returning to the garden, we see that transparency, vulnerability, and trust are essential components of any marriage (Gen. 2:25). A marriage without trust is a compromised vessel dragging both spouses to the bottom of the ocean.
For Christian spouses seeking to understand the nature of trust and those for whom trust has been destroyed, here are three biblical principles that can help to frame our approach to trust and marriages:
1. In the Bible, the only person Christians are commanded to trust unconditionally is God.
In the Bible, husbands are commanded to love their wives (Eph. 5:25; Col. 3:19). Wives are commanded to submit to their husbands (Eph. 5:22; Col. 3:18; 1 Pet. 3:1). But, you will be hard press to find a verse that commands spouses to trust each other. Why? In Ephesians and Colossians, Paul is very clear that the husbands and wives who are the subjects of Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3 are the same ones who still struggle with their former manner of life in the flesh (Eph. 2:1-3; 4:17-24; Col. 3:5-10). In other words, Paul sees the Christian wives and husbands as sinners, still needing the reminder to “put off the old self” (Eph. 4:22) and “put on the new self” in “true righteousness and holiness” (Eph. 4:24).
If every Christian spouse is married to a sinner and, for Christians, a person in progress, there will be moments where trust between spouses is rightfully questioned or misplaced. Trust is based upon consistency of character over time, and the only person presented in the Bible who is worthy of unconditional trust is God.
In Proverbs 3:5-6, Solomon challenges his son to trust in the Lord completely—“with your whole heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” In the New Testament, the Greek word translated as “trust” is the Greek word pistis or “faithful.” Because of God’s unchanging character, Paul can often share with Christians the encouraging truth that “God is faithful” (1 Cor. 1:9; 10:13; 2 Cor. 1:18; 1 Thess. 5:24; 2 Thess. 3:3).
Truly, it is a comfort that, when Christian spouses are confronted with the spiritual faithlessness of their spouses and the faithlessness of their own hearts, God “remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself” (2 Tim. 2:13). God alone is our “rock,” our “salvation,” our “fortress” (Ps. 62:6). Counselees can “trust in him at all times,” and “pour out their hearts before him,” for “God is a refuge for us” (Ps. 62:8). Counselors must remind their counselees that trusting in the Lord can even result in a peace that transcends our present circumstances (Isa. 26:3).
2. There are times when it is unwise to trust our spouses, especially in cases when someone is in unrepentant sin.
We know that the love of the triune God for the world (i.e., rebellious, fallen humanity) was the reason for the sending of the Son into the world to save sinners (John 3:16). Yet, love for the world does not lead Jesus to trust those in the world. In John 2:24, we see that Jesus “did not entrust himself” to those at the Passover Feast, “because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.”
Our practical theology must be open to the possibility that following Christ as our model for Christian living may, at times, involve not trusting other people. Jesus knew what was in man and did not entrust Himself to those who were claiming to “believe in his name” as a result of His miracle at the Passover feast (John 2:23). In Micah 7:2, the prophet applies the logic that disordered hearts do not warrant trust to the family. After lamenting that “the godly have perished from the earth” (Micah 7:2), the prophet provides an unsettling “Word from the Lord”:
“Put no trust in a neighbor; have no confidence in a friend; guard the doors of your mouth from her who lies in your arms; for the son treats the father with contempt, the daughter rises up against her mother, the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; a man’s enemies are the men of his own house” (Micah 7:5-6).
If “her who lies in your arms” is referencing a spouse, Micah 7:5-6 crushes any notion of unconditional trust in marriage and the family. Christians are called to love their spouses, and trust is essential for any healthy marriage. And love—seeking the highest good of our spouses—may look like strict accountability, asking for pledges, and verifying actions. There may be times that being “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matt. 10:16) requires telling a spouse, “Based upon how you have been living, I can’t trust you right now.”
If spouses engage in unrepentant sin, love does not mean trusting them or turning a blind eye to questionable behavior. Rather, the most loving thing to do would be to call another brother, sister, or your pastor and begin restorative church discipline (Matt. 18:15-20). For the good of the marriage and restoration of a spouse, levels of trust may fluctuate according to the spiritual character and/or lack thereof revealed in one or both spouses.
3. As Christians, we are expected to treat others as God treats them, including extending grace and trust to spouses who don’t deserve it.
A difficult component of marriage counseling is the reality that counselors cannot put a timetable on rebuilding trust. Using the Bible and peacemaking skills, counselors can walk couples through biblical repentance, confession, and forgiveness (which can often take a while). Yet, after a couple has experienced biblical reconciliation, they begin the journey of rebuilding trust, an often long and wearying path.
Paul Tripp helps to explain this phenomenon when he writes, “The Bible is very clear: what you plant, you will harvest (Gal. 6:7ff). In a marriage, every day you harvest what you previously planted and plant what you will someday harvest.”2 Many Christian couples can overlook the sad reality that broken trust is the bitter harvest of years of lying, deceit, and unconfessed sin. And often, it can take years of sowing in the Spirit before a broken marriage reaps the harvest of righteousness and peace both spouses desperately desire (James 3:17).
In marriage counseling, a common goal is the renewal of marital oneness through the rebuilding of transparency and trust. If it is true that trust is a necessary component of any marriage, then there will be moments when, after biblical repentance, confession, and forgiveness, hurt spouses will need to take that seemingly impossible first step of extending trust.
Do spouses who have broken trust deserve second chances? No. Yet, should Christian spouses extend trust to those who don’t deserve it? Yes.
The Bible encourages Christian spouses to take the risky step of extending trust to undeserving spouses because Christian marriages operate not upon the world’s economy of merit and “what they deserve” (see Luke 6:32-34). 10,000-talent sinners have no grounds for strangling their spouses over 100-denarii sins (Matt. 18:21-35). The economy of Christian marriages is one of grace, calling Christian spouses to approach one another out of a posture of thankfulness for the grace that they have received, which compels them to extend grace and trust to undeserving spouses.
When Christian spouses struggle to “believe all things” concerning their spouses in the process of restoration after repentance (1 Cor. 13:7), they must remember that their hope is not ultimately in their spouse but in God. At the end of the day, if Christian marriages are to be restored after broken trust, sinned against spouses place their ultimate hope not in the genuineness or renewed faithfulness of their spouses, but that God will complete the work that He has begun in His people (Phil. 1:6), including every sinning and sinned against Christian spouse.
