Imagine a common scene within a local church community. An unexpected visit at the church office. An urgent conversation after a service. A vague email or text message requesting to meet with a pastor or elder. An unmarked letter read to the consistory or session outlining a situation that has been brewing over the past decade.
The grenade detonates. The crisis is here. Adrenaline skyrockets. You know you need counsel, advice, an outside perspective.
So, you pick up the phone and call the counselor.
Many biblical counselors fall into the “crisis intervention” category of servants within Christ’s church. The situation may not be a “call 911” crisis, but to the lay elders or overworked pastor, it does not take much for the already full cup of one’s life to overflow with a marriage on life support, a fallen church leader, or a public scandal involving one of the church’s members. Over the years, the Institute for Reformed Biblical Counseling has grown primarily through pastor and elder consultation, Reformed and Presbyterian pastors reaching out to our ministry for guidance in messy pastoral care and shepherding cases. Other biblical counseling leaders and ministries regularly provide consultation for counseling situations across the world.
A biblical counselor offering consultation wants to serve their patrons well. At the same time, it can be difficult to help pastors and elders who find themselves in the fog of a developing situation. Sometimes a church leader needs only a listening ear and an encouraging word that highlights God’s promises and provision. Other times, it would benefit both the counselor and those requesting advice if the latter took some time to prepare for the consultation in the following ways.
Before you Call, Organize Your Information
As those who offer guidance and advice, biblical counselors must heed the words of James 1:19, “Let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak.” Solomon agrees that “if one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). A pastor or elder does not want their counselors shooting in the dark, especially when small decisions can either calm a storm or dramatically escalate a situation. Therefore, before you call your counselor, take some time to organize the information about the situation.
This advice may sound trivial, but in the heat of a brewing crisis, it is easy for pastors and elders to rush into consultation conversations before they are ready. A seasoned counselor can quickly expose many areas that need further exploration before judgment calls can be made, or, worse, what a pastor or elder may think they know but have only heard second-hand or by hearsay, rather than verifying for themselves. Moreover, stressful situations can unravel the most mature leader. A pastor or elder may not realize that their retelling of events in a pastoral care situation may sound like disorganized rambling on the other side of the phone.
If you have a call planned with a counselor, take some time to outline a brief sketch of the situation, including the following information:
- Biographical information about the people involved (name, age, vocation, marital/status, children, relationship to local church)
- The “perimeter” of the event or situation (those currently involved in the situation or impacted by the event)
- A basic “timeline” of the event or situation, including dates (when people would say that this issue began, important inflection/development points, more recent episodes)
- The current “lay of the land” concerning the status of key players and how they are responding to the situation, including their openness to receiving support from the church’s leadership
- Any factors that counselors should know that may escalate the situation (potential threats of violence, retaliation, or disclosure of self-harm, in which the counselor would need to advise delaying counseling for immediate intervention from civil authorities or services).
This list is not exhaustive, but it exposes the types of things a counselor will want to know as they become more involved in a developing situation. If you are not able to answer the questions above, you may want to devote more time to investigate further before picking up the phone.
Before you Call, Identify Specific Areas that need Assistance
Biblical counselors are accustomed to listening as people tell their stories and disclose information about difficult situations or personal struggles. But as counselors begin transitioning from organizing information to offering assistance, the question from Jesus in the gospels comes to mind: “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mark 10:51).
In reality, many “consultation” calls are a cover for a pastor or an elder to make the comment, “We were really hoping that you would counsel this person for us.” But a “consultation call” is a consultation, a conversation devoted to offering advice or guidance about a particular issue beyond another person’s expertise. Therefore, before you pick up the phone and call a counselor, spend some time considering the question, “What are my goals for this conversation? What specific questions do I want this counselor to answer? What specific areas of this situation would I like to hear this counselor address?”
A pastor can call a counselor for advice on navigating a situation in which one spouse is moving toward divorce but is open to a separation until the situation improves. An elder may want to hear how a biblical counselor would respond to the statement that “AI porn is not adultery because no other people are involved in this activity.” A parent may seek guidance for talking to a child who is beginning to exhibit “animal-like” behavior after becoming friends with a group of “furries” at school. In these situations, the counselor is not serving as the active counselor in the case but is offering guidance and advice to someone else closer to the situation.
A proper view of consultation calls prevents two pitfalls. If consultations involve questions such as “How should I help this person?”, then we must acknowledge that, in some situations, there is little that can be done except to come to terms with a new reality. A consultation call cannot cure cancer. A consultation call cannot restore a pastor’s dignity. A consultation call cannot return a child to their parents’ arms. In many ways, a call with a biblical counselor can reveal that the individual on the other side is hoping that a counselor can assist in reversing the irreversible, leading the counselor to ask the question with care and gentleness, “What exactly is it that you are hoping would be the outcome of this conversation?”
The second pitfall is when a church member or pastor reaches out to talk primarily about someone else. Many individuals will request counseling or consultations for others who are not in the room and have no desire to receive counseling for themselves—a wayward child, a cynical spouse, or a previous friend. In these moments, the old adage rings true: Counselors cannot help those who do not want help. A consultation call can feel wasted when the 50 minutes end with the counselor saying, “I’m sorry, until that other person wants help, there is little we can do.”
Both situations can be avoided when the question is asked, “How am I hoping that this counselor will help me?” Identifying specific areas where a pastor, elder, or church member can utilize a counselor’s expertise can help circumvent disappointment and lead to a productive consultation.
Before you Call, Gauge the Initial Perspective of Your Church’s Leadership
A foundational conviction of the Institute for Reformed Biblical Counseling is that pastors and elders have the primary responsibility to shepherd their flocks and exercise oversight of their church members. On the last day, it is pastors and elders, not parachurch counselors, who will give account for the souls under their care (Heb 13:17). Therefore, biblical counselors outside of pastoral positions must remind themselves that their place is in support of pastors and elders, and they must have very good biblical reasons to ever overstep their place among the ministries of a church, however well or poorly a church’s pastors or elders are fulfilling their callings.
A central way a biblical counselor can uphold the authority of a church’s pastors and elders is to regularly inquire about their positions and judgments concerning a pastoral care situation receiving consultation. A biblical counselor should regularly ask, “What do your elders think about this issue?” This question may slow the consultation process and require a pastor or church member to contact their elders before reaching out to a biblical counselor for consultation. At the same time, this outcome is better than a church member receiving advice from a biblical counselor to take a pastoral care situation in a direction that a church’s elders have no desire to pursue at this time.
This comment may reveal an unsettling reality within many counseling situations. “Isn’t biblical counseling just a form of sanctification, and therefore, is sanctification really that complicated? How complex can counseling situations become? How many variables and different options can really be on the table, so much so that a group of elders may head in a different direction than a parachurch counselor?”
This question may receive approval online or in the sanitized space of a seminary classroom, but anyone who has spent more than a few weeks in local church ministry understands the pretzels that sin, conflict, and chaos can twist church members into. Pastoral care situations rarely follow the pattern of “this is the problem, this is the Bible verse, and this is the solution.” Especially since many people will avoid seeking formal help from the church until they have run out of options, many counseling cases require incredible patience, care, and wisdom, and therefore call for different legitimate approaches and degrees of acceptable outcomes according to biblical principles.
Consider a family conflict that has existed for decades within a church and primarily involves parties who are no longer on earth. Or think of a disagreement among passionate ministry committee members when saying yes to one opportunity means saying no to another because of limited resources. Or consider a church split over conflict stemming from a beloved pastor whose personal limitations or personality has left a large section of the church feeling “held back,” but with no legitimate grounds for his removal on the basis of moral failure or not fulfilling his job description. Even if a group of elders may all agree that a domineering husband needs to be confronted, there may be minor disagreements over the timing of conversations and how much grace to extend to this individual, at the possible expense of his family.
As these examples reveal, real-life ministry is quite complex. Judgment calls need to be made, and the primary ones authorized to make those judgment calls are a church member’s pastors and elders, according to the wisdom demonstrated in these men that led the church to call them to the office. If a church’s pastors and elders do not demonstrate this wisdom, that is a matter of ecclesiology and strengthening a church’s health, not an excuse for parachurch counselors to bypass the structures and offices established by God for the government of his church.
Therefore, before calling your counselor, try to get an initial read on your church’s leadership. What is their assessment of the situation? How would they like to work with this church member in need? What are acceptable and unacceptable outcomes to this situation based upon the various factors at play?
Consultation calls are a great way for pastors, elders, and church members to receive support from a trained biblical counselor concerning areas of a developing situation beyond their knowledge or expertise. But before you call your counselor, it may be worthwhile to organize the information about the situation, identify the specific areas that need assistance, and gauge the initial perspective of your church’s leadership, in order that you and your biblical counselor can both have a productive conversation.
